Start out on 3

its finally the BIG 3-0
Am I where I wanna be?
Not really.
Long way to go.
But it's a new start.
A new year.
It's a new day.
A new decade.
Life is what you make it to be.
Write your own story.

you

I L.O.V.E you.
You...
Who crowd my every thought every moment of every waking day
You...
Whose every movement affects every strand of my very being
You...
Who still makes my heart race whenever i deal with anything in regards to you
You...
Who used to be mine and now belong to another
You...
Who, despite knowing that, still I can't shake it off
You...
Whose every moment I still wish I can be a part of
You...
Who I still want to do everything with
You...
Whom I wish i still can hold dear
You...
Who I will continue to care for no matter what...
You.

If only you knew how much this one person still cares for you.

#emomashups

Its the last day before i turn 3
Yet all can think of is THEE
Hello...Are you there?
Would i dare tell you "I love you"
Even though we're through?

How do I do this...
Where do I start?
All I want is still you...
I don't know why I still do

Fukkit mann....
Why it gotta be so cruel?
Why life gotta treat us this way..
Deal us our cards and then fold em
Leave me here to slowly bleed

Nothing seem to heal it
Nothing seems to fill it
Nothing seems to fit right where you use to be

I fear what I'll meet tomorrow
It scares me to venture out without you
Together we could conquer everything that came our way

Oh God, why is he so important to me that I can't let him go?
I question if he would be happy with me but without him I'm not
I wish I could read his mind right now
See through what he is actually thinking
Read right down to the very core
And know what is lurking

Why am I so afraid of getting you something for Christmas?
No one said it was wrong
I wish I knew what to get you for Christmas
I wish I thought of it sooner
But instead of thinking of what to get you,
All I can think of is that I'd rather be where you are

And right this moment...
Why must it be so momental.........
Te deng te deng te deng.... Te deng te deng te deng....
Te deng deng deng te de de de de de de
First birthday wish had to come from you.

Sometimes I wonder...Is it a sign?
Could it be that the stars align still, some day somewhere?
Was it hard for you to send that message?
Did you have to think for long?
Or did it come naturally as tho it was nothing?

You know you made me the happiest person right that very moment?
I couldn't think of wishing to have it any other way.
"Happy birthday
Wishing you a year filled with joy ahead
Take care"
21/12/15 10:35-10:36pm

Prayer in P

 I feel it.. I really do.
All I want for Christmas IS you.
It's hard to go through each day
When all that is on my mind is you...
No matter what it is I'm going thru.

I can't tell no one...no one would understand.
No one would get how deep it runs
No one feels the way I feel it
No one listens to me that intently without judging
No one.

I do hope she does make you happy
I wish I could see it in your eyes.
But it seems the toil of the world's worries
Has taken its toll harder that it shud.

I don't know why you matter so much to me
I don't know why I love you so much
I don't know why I f*^#ing care

But every little thing about you is important
Everything is precious
Everything is as it should be
Imperfectly perfect to me.

I don't know what I should do.
One hand, I should let you go
Another hand, I can't see my life without you in it.

God,
What should I do?
What is it that You have in store for me from this?
How is he coping?
I hope he isn't hurting too.
Watch over him...keep him safe.
Let him know how much we both love him...
Even more so day by day.

Thankful for the little things

it amazes me..
How I still feel palpitations just thinking that I will see you again
It races like a sprinter making a dash of the finishing line

Thankfulness was something new...
Appreciated much and Hartford for it
Just watching you, even if it's from a distance...
Still feel the instinct to protect you

Happy to see you, always
Wish time would just stand still
But i do feel that I still don't know what to say to you
Words just get in the way.

For you to return again despite having to leave
I'm glad for that
That you didn't shy away...
But seemed like it was intentional to be determined to return again

I can't stop looking at your face...
See that smile on your face
Wipe the frown from your head...
How do I tell you that I still do love you?

Truly madly deeply...
Those words once belonged to me.
Now... It's just me replaying it in my head
Wishing it was still mine.

Do You Know...

Do you know...
You're the first person I think of whenever I'm in trouble
The go-to person when I am in doubt
The one that I want to ask for opinion...
just cos it matters.

Do you know...
I pretend not to care...
Pretend to be nonchalant
Have an air of aloofness around me...
So you don't know that I am secretly dying inside without you.

Do you know...
I watch you from the shadows
Looking in while you are unaware
Feel the comfort of knowing you're ok
Don't matter that you don't see me.

Do you know...
How badly I want to be near you
To tell you how much I still love you
To look in your eyes and not have to hide
All that I feel inside.

The hardest thing is watching someone you love, 

love someone else.

At it's worst..

I feel it...
So strong...
So intense...
So...overpowering!

There isn't a switch to turn it off...
Or turn it low...or change the channel
All that goes on in my head is just you.

How is it that I cannot do anything else without you running through my head?
Everything is just mere recollection of the memories we had.
Is it just me or do you have such moment too?
Probably not, you got someone else to think of you.

Like today, was thinking of having lunch with you.
Didn't happen cos I didn't dare to ask.
Then thought of asking if you wanna hang out..either after lunch or after dinner...
Then I got plans that afternoon....so I didn't ask.
Then I thought of dinner or maybe after dinner...
And then I got an invitation to a home dinner.

I know I would throw it all away in a split second
Give it up if you wanted to have something
Wish you knew how much influence you have on me
Wish you could see how I feel about you.

The radio, it encourages me...
Plays songs that reminds me of you...
Tells me things in the words of the song
If only you could hear it too.

Argggghhhhh.....if I told you...
What is the worse that could happen?
Loosing your friendship and never seeing you again?
Could I live with that or without that?

Maybe the quotes I get on a daily basis is right:
The one that I want to be with the most...
Is the one I am best without.

*u!vd 7jv34*

Jealous by Labyrinth

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripple through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind, cause

[Chorus:]
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that wasn't here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love, cause

[Chorus:]
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day
Cause all I do is cry behind this smile

[Chorus:]
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

In my head

I hate how much I love u
Hate how much i want to be near you
Hate that my every thought is of you

There are days that I feel that I need to move heaven and earth to be near you
There are days that I feel that I can move on and that I have let you go
I know you moved on with someone else
It hurts, it pains but what else can I do

I see the things you're doing
I see how it is...
I wish it was still me you're loving
I wish I didn't have to force myself to let you go

Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Falling so deep, i cant get out
Loving so hard it hurts so bad

Im jealous, envious
Wish i had someone to love and to love me too
Wish i still had you
Wish i didnt have to silently say
That whatever it is, at the end of the day...
I do still love you.

*sorry*

Ouch...
It hurts when I know you hurt
When you didn't get what you wanted
Wished I knew how to make it better

Disappointments for you is a big No no for me
Can't bear to see that curve across your face head downwards instead
Want you to have an easier life after all that you've been through all these while
To have a taste of what it is like to not have to worry

Can I still pick you off your feet?
Carry you on my shoulders?
Push you from behind while you sit on the swing?

I'd do anything in my power for you,
I hope you know that.

Its Just Crazy

It's crazy how
I still think of you so much
Cherish every moment we've had
Reminisce the times we shared

It's crazy how
My heart races a gazillion times faster
The pounding sometimes so hard to bear
Whenever your ringtone rings

It's crazy how
I still think you look so handsome
Your built so perfect
Your hands...>.<

So when I got a buzz out of nowhere,
Imagine the speed my heart was racing in....
All the more so when it was an invite for a cuppa
I almost lost it!

To see you again after so long a time was a relief
To hear your voice again...
To be able to stare into your eyes as you talked...
All I could ask for is that time would just stop

As it is, time flies when you're having fun
Before I knew much of it,
Friends came along
and I had to work the next day.

Heavy hearted and weighted feet
I dragged myself to leave
All now that remains
Is a piece of memory I constantly put on replay.

Highest highs and The lowest low

That ring..

Never fails to send my heart racing

It's been months in its silence 

Yet when it rings, oh....the trouble it brings

It's been awhile with the free flowing conversation 

Almost forgot what it felt like

That you would turn to someone like me

With that curiosity and inquisitiveness that I have always adored

It's like a sugar rush high

You still hold that important place of priorities

Despite all that I thought I had let go

I guess I was so wrong

Being the last thing that I did before my eyes fell into slumber

It felt like it was how it was meant to be

Cherished it as much as I could

For little moment like these

But all came to a crashing low

When I got a reply that affirmed that virtual separation

The hurt, the pain, the everything inside

It churned and grind and just broke everything it could

You think you've been hurt before

And that this probably wasn't any worse

But nothing has ever left you quite this sore

To the very core and even deeper than you ever thought  it could go

This I gotta admit

Nothing has ever affected me this badly before

Nothing quite this close to the pain and the intensity of it all

Nothing.nothing.nothing.

Everything reminds me

As the days go by and I live it on
Going through the motions of another day beyond
Familiar places and familiar faces
No, I don't see any... yet, it's there

I see it when I look into my furkid's eyes
I sit in the car and the radio reminds me
The music it plays reminds me again
And I drive out the driveway and yet again, I see it there

The intersection, the curve off where we part in our separate cars
A wave, a honk...I remember
Friendship park...the times we went there...
Moon cake festivals most of all
Starbucks..how you didn't like it cos it was pricey
Cityone...the movies...and also coffee
Spring for the endless weekend walks
Swinburne where you studied
Rusty Bean & Batter where you had lunch meetings
King centre where you worked
Also crowne square.
Chiking for Sunday lunch
Angelus where you took up gym membership
Bak Kut Teh shop along ang cheng ho where we met some friends
4th mile where you cut your hair... For an hour, no less
Where I work...ohh...the million places
Where you used to wait for me in the middle of the night after you finished your work
Or the on all rooms where you waited for me to take a break
Any peach colored Kancil that I see on the road triggers a missed beat
As does the words "I feel so close to you right now....it's a force field..."
Every time I want to tell the time, it's like looking into your eyes
Imagining how you took time to pick it out... Looking for it months on end

Looking back I see it all now
But no, I didn't see it then
How naive was I to overlook all these small small things
Things that made it 'You & I'

Now reminiscing doesn't do much good anymore
As hurting as that sounds
But these memories continue to live on in my head
Cos EVERYTHING just reminds me....

When I find you...
I promise to be your biggest fan
So much pent up emotions...
They will waterfall around you.

Each and every day I pray
That every step we take is a step closer to each other
For I do not want to go through the this journey without having met you
It would be such a sad thing to do

When I find you one day...
Please don't let me ever let you go.
For I cannot take another of these heartaches
Or the feeling of being left alone

The pain, the hurt, the grief inside
The tears, the silence, the anger it holds
The thoughts that run through my head
Besotted, biased and unrefined

I will surely find you one day
Heaven, please bring that day sooner than later
For I cannot wait to embark on this journey
To share my hopes, dreams and aspirations of what I think this life could be

Now i see..& I hope.

Going on through life without you
Not easy but I try
See where all the brokenness we had
All the holes and where we fell short
Would we have worked if we went on the way we did?
It was a good thing, this...He must have known
Tough love probably..But definitely needed
Silence and guessing... It was hard
Pre-conceived ideas that wouldn't be moved

Now I can see where my shortfalls were
I know what i didnt do right
Thanks for putting up with me despite my inadequacies
Thanks for showing me a better me
Wish I could turn back time with all that I know now
Really wanted to make you the happiest man on earth
But not while i hadn't snapped out of my delusion

Life can be strange like that
Twists and turns that we know not of
I hope you are happier than I could have made you
I hope she loves you more than I did
I hope life treats us both well

I'M TRYING

Its not easy.... That I gotta say.
Like watching you as you walk away.
Like walking away even though I wanna stay
Like smiling when all I feel is bare

It just came out, said too fast
Kinda glad I did... Also wished maybe I didnt.
Seems like we're OK... Although I think we aren't
But we put on a front..A mask..A cover
No one needs to know what's under.

Its not healthy apparently...
But I can't stop.
I'm tired even though I sleep

                                                        "You Could Be Happy"

                                                                      - Snow Patrol -

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

What do I do...

What do I do when I can't tell you how much I'm thinking of you..
What do I do when you keep running through my head continuously and I can't get you out?
What do I do when I feel that intense grip on my heart cos I love you so much?
What do I do when i want to drop you a simple line..But my fingers freeze at the sight of your name?
What do I do when all I wanna do is have you right next to me...
What do I do when I long to let my lips lie gently upon yours and kiss you without holding back?
What do I do when all I want is to grow old with you...Build a family...And have kids of our own...
What do I do when being apart hurts so badly I cant even cry?

#bareitall

Why do I bother thinking about what other people think? I should just let it be.. Do what I want to do.. Say what I want to say... N let other people get round it in their own way. 

Putting on a smile when all you want to do is cry... Looking like you have it all together when you actually are a cross of train wreck and poo. But no one knows what's going on inside cos you hide it so well. 

How do you let it all out? How do you purge it til there is nothing left? How do I show the world I'm not OK...? How do I tell you that you are constantly on my mind no matter what I do or how much I try to push it away? How do I turn back time and change the way I thought that I thought was right but turned out to be detrimental? Looking back,  I realise... I found that spot.. But never dug deep. That treasure was so close yet I let it slip through my fingers just like that.. Without even knowing. 

There is always a lesson to learn for every situation... And I believe I have found my answer to that. Without hardship we wud be too comfortable to learn anything new. But this lesson is a very tough one. 

***God,  I need strength. ='S***

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

Harsh tones despite a calm message
Full of anger and rage
Seems to be an effort of pushing away
Lest anything gets a better hold.

Just making an effort to be what we claim to want to be
Doesnt seem to be a mutual effort
Dont know if it is widely acceptable
But this life is mine to live and my own story to write.

Just needed some human interaction
Some sort of assurance of social ability
Glad there were others there to diffuse the tension
Didnt want to strain what was on the verge of breaking.

The night drew nigh, more were around
In between work the presence is made
Listening in? Watching? Analyzing?
Still does cause palpitations...Both good and bad.

The clock struck midnight and everyone started packing
Storms gales and torrents fell
Just about to brave the storms of nature
When somehow a misstep occurred.

Landed on the steps, ego totally bruised
Got up and there were some concerns
Did i hear myself right?
Should it be embraced?

Muttered that I was alright, yet another cover-up
Mobile shelter was used and instead of letting another
Stepped in and did what was totally not expected
Just a split moment and it was over.

Yet still a small tinker sounded
More concerns, am I hearing right?
But that was as far as it went
Savour the moment, while it lasted.

FIGHT SONG - Rachel Platten

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

***current favourite tune***

Sigh

Did i push u that far that we lost all empathy?
Just a little too late for any return?
What angers me most is that the blame is on me...
That I did it wrong...
That I should have done something else.
How was i to know i was wrong...
When all that i thought i did was the way to go?
It just didn't add up in my mind.
Why do i keep doing this to myself?
Loosing that one person i love the most...
Leaving behind a big empty space.
How did i screw up so badly?
Where did i go wrong to deserve this?
At least i drove home my point.
I tried.
At least that, i cant say i regret i didnt do.

ALL I EVER WANTED

to live...

to love...

to have you by my side.

to watch you grow...

to guide you through...

to be there beside you...

Never to let go.

Imagined travels to foreign land together...

Walking through life together...

Exploring the unknown together...

Nothing shall I fear.

Will you give me just that one last chance?

YOU

YOU
who are in my every thoughts
YOU
who captured my heart and taught it to grow
YOU
who showed me what determination really meant
YOU
who keep pushing me to be a better, bigger Me
YOU
who gave it all you've got until you had nothing left
YOU

I am less than three of you.

Gone

Cold shoulder treatment? 

With determination stronger than steel... 

Hope as high as the Everest... 

Love,  deeper than the core of the earth... 

And a personality type to back it up... 

I'll keep being the 'ant'. 

Sullivan

"Hey Sully,  why did you appear? Why did you have to come when you're not wanted here? "

Feel lost. Nothing belongs. Drifting into an empty vacuum with no one to hold on to. Feels abandoned. Left out. Sapped out of every bit of emotion left.  Just angry and frustrated. Disappointed. Always at crucial moments like these when I need a shoulder that the very shoulder I want is not available.

I want it too. To be loved..  To freely love... To have life going about me...

Deep anguish washes over me over and over again like the waves of the shore. Drowning and rising, I catch a quick breath... Before it pulls me under again.

Painful.
Lost is painful.
I have been here before and I know how painful it is.
I thought I vowed never to feel this pain ever again.
Yet here I am.
In pain. Again.

NOT ANYMORE

Is it OK to tell what I feel?
Or speak my mind like how I think it through?
What do I need to do to do just that?
Without a care in the world of repercussions.

When thoughts run deep and long,
When nights are cold and lone,
Where is that strong arm in which I can lose all fears,
In whose embrace I feel most at home.

It hurts...
It pains...
It sorrows so.
But there isn't two ways about it anymore.

Live and let live...
The privilege of being loved...
And now that it's lost,
God, be my strength through these trying times.

MEMORIES

There are things I wish I don't have to remember 

Things I wish I didn't know

Things that should be out of mind... 

           Once it is out of sight.

Then there are things that I wish I would never forget. 

Things that I want to live n re-live in my mind

Things I hope will stick with me forever... 

           For as long as I live. 

Through all the rain...

The sun will surely shine again. 

Have faith in that. 

Thankful for KFC and a bed. 

AFTER ALL THESE TIME

I'm still into you. 

=$